A big rant

I have been chilling here at the hostel and also half waiting for a job at the cafe the hostel owners are opening next door, but time has been stretching on. So to keep myself occupied I asked if I could paint a sign for the outside of the cafe. I've done bits of signwriting before, and it's something creative, so all good.

I bought some drawing materials yesterday and spent a few hours drawing and went to work on it again today when the owner's partner came by and said he was already designing signs, so didn't need more. He seemed a little pissed, not especially at me, and it's not my fault. It's disappointing though and I am taking it as a sign (oh, yes, a pun!) that maybe I should go. If the owners can't be clear with me about that, then there will be other things, even though they are really nice people. There's been a theme of vagueness and not being on top of things ever since I've been here, which I kind of liked, but this sucked.

I have emailed the two Iraqi NGOs that the lady in Iraq suggested to ask about work, but judging by what it says on their websites I think it will be like any other workplace - jobs come up only every now and then, so if you really want to work there you have to build up experience, maybe work as volunteer, keep applying, etc, etc.

Which begs the question of how much you really want to do something. Its much more likely that any other person who wants to do this as life vocation will get the job over you.

I've been trying to become honest with myself: I felt so inspired when the filmmaker, Anna, was here like I haven't for ages. It woke up the more creative side of me, that although I am working on the doco, it hasnt been accessing alot. It's been about getting it technically and formally correct, not about creative freedom. I want to try it at least with this documentary.

If I try some other direction like getting a job in Iraq I think it's actually going to be a sidetrack. It's safer and I know I wont be committed. Like being at the library, even though I worked there for 15 years, I never wanted to be considered a librarian.

I saw the latest Batman film here in Toronto, where Christian Bale plays this man who is trapped in this place where the only way to get out is to scale the wall. Lots of people had tried, using a rope to save them if they fell but they always failed and usually died. Only one had ever succeeded. Christian Bale tries a couple of times but also fails. Then he learns that the reason the one person succeeded is because this man didn't use a rope. Meaning = if you have a safety net, you won't give something your all so you will never succeed.

Anna said something like, filmmaking must be life or death. Maybe that's what she was talking about. It requires that kind of commitment behind your decisions, otherwise it won't be any good. And "good" isn't defined by what the market or whatever wants or says is good. But by what you believe is good and what is true to yourself.

I think that is what I want to say.

But the thing is ..... I find it difficult to be committed, to myself, to my ideas. It's often like pulling teeth. It's fear I think. But then I've discovered since being on this trip, that I am afraid alot - not of the usual like new situations, or spiders, or death. I'm afraid of asking for things, of putting myself forward, of being turned down. It makes me surprised. I've discovered a whole side of me that I didn't know. It makes me wonder how far this extends, how many choices I make, or don't, based on this. And never realise.

All I have ever wanted to do for soooo many years is make something well creatively, and now I have the opportunity to finally do this and I am wanting to sidetrack.

I think I should just go back to NZ and focus on the film. And that's it. That's the recipe. And just try not to die creatively, but it's that the part I'm afraid of. It's so easy for me to get wound up in a pit of despair.

Anna suggested going to film workshops and building a network of creative friends. But she said the best way to do that is probably by going to a film school of some sort. I don't know if that is an option for me, having already done 7 1/2 years at university, and if I am afraid of my ideas when I am by myself, it's tripled in the presence of others.

I am so tired of being unhappy and I don't feel happy in NZ, and honestly going back, I know it will be the same. Arghh!

Apologies for the lack of positivity. This is also what I struggle with - why couldn't I be born with a positive brain!!!!

But that's the thing - after seeing Anna, I felt the most positive I have for so long, that makes me think that's the key: creativity - towards being something like happy.